


baby girl

by JayniePowers



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-06-17 13:44:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15462690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JayniePowers/pseuds/JayniePowers
Summary: Ellie may never be Sarah, but she’s still Joel’s daughter.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know, real original title, right? This has been unfinished sitting in my drafts forever and I finally finished it. Hope you enjoy it!

     “Do you want to hold her, Joel?”

     He was so nervous he could barely speak. All he could do was nod in response, and Amy gently handed Sarah to him.

     Joel looked at the baby in his arms.

     No, not the baby.

     His daughter.

     His nerves suddenly melted away.

     She was the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.

     “Hey, baby girl.” He said in the softest, most gentle voice anyone had ever heard from him, with the happiest smile on his face.

     Sarah opened her eyes and looked at the man holding her.

     Those eyes.

     Those blue eyes that could light up the whole world.

     That was the moment he devoted his life to her.

     Joel decided that he would do anything and everything he could to give his baby girl the life that he never had.

     He wanted to protect her from any bad in the world.

     He wanted to hold her until the end of his days.

     He never wanted to let go of the miracle in his arms.

     He never would let go of that miracle in his arms.

 

                              *

**four years later**

                              *

      He felt his heart drop as he read the note on his bedside table.

 

_Joel,_

_I don't know how to say this._

_I don't think this is working._

        _I have some issues-_

_I’m leaving._

_Over these past five years, I’ve had so many doubts over whether or not I’ve made the right decisions, not only with you, but with everyone else in my life._

_I realized that I can't be a good mother to Sarah or a good wife to you._

_I need to straighten things out, I need to start over._

_I'm moving. Please don't come looking for me or worry about me._

_I’ve already signed all the papers. I left them on the kitchen table._

_I never meant for anything to end this way. I never meant to hurt you._

_I hope you can understand where I'm coming from._

_I’m sorry._

_-Amy_

 

     Joel immediately felt both the fear and heartbreak appear. His eyes started to fill up with tears.

         _I knew she was going to do this._

        _She's really gone._

_Oh my god, she's really gone._

He stumbled back into the wall and slowly slumped onto the ground and sobbed like he’d never cried before.

        _I can’t do this on my own!_

_What am I gonna do…_

Joel suddenly heard the door to his room open, and saw Sarah standing in the doorway. He quickly wiped the tears off of his face, trying to keep it together so he wouldn't scare his little girl.

     “Daddy?” Sarah started walking towards him slowly, in her tiny plaid pajamas.

     “Yes, baby?” He tried to control the tears from rolling down his cheeks, but they just wouldn't stop.

     Sarah walked over to Joel and wrapped her small arms around his neck, not wanting her dad to be sad anymore.

     “It's okay, daddy.” She repeated the same thing that he always told her when she had a nightmare in that adorable voice of hers.

     Joel broke and started crying into his daughter’s shoulder. She started to stroke his hair on the back of his head, like he did for her before.

     He could see Sarah’s strength. She wouldn’t let this hurt her, and neither would Joel.

_We’ll be alright._


	2. Chapter 2

                              *

**seven years later**

                              *

“Hey, Dad?” Sarah yelled as she walked down the stairs. Joel fell asleep on the couch while he was trying to get some bills paid and sorted out. He woke up suddenly as he heard his daughter approach him. 

“Yeah?” He yawned.

“Can I go to the mall with some friends?”

“Sure. Who’re you goin’ with?” Joel was always a bit protective and picky when it came to other kids Sarah’s age.

“Kate…” She was hiding something.

“And?” Sarah was hoping he wouldn’t care, but that was never the case.

“...Tyler”

“What?” 

“My friend, Tyler…” She knew he would do this.

“You know how I feel about-”

“C’mon, it’s not even like that!”

“Can we not do this right now, Sarah?” Joel had been working overtime all week, and today was his one day to relax and try and get stuff done around the house.

“Can I go?” Joel gave her an exhausted sigh.

“Fine.” He didn’t have the energy to argue with her.

“Yes!” Sarah whispered to herself. “Thank you!”

“No makin’ out with any boys, got it?” It sounded like he was teasing, but he had never been more serious. 

“No promises.” She joked, and exaggeratedly winked. Sarah ran over to the door and started to put her shoes on.

“I’m serious.” 

“So am I.” Joel knew she was joking. But he still had this fear that some boy would come along and sweep her off her feet, and take her away from him. Which was stupid, considering Sarah was eleven years old.

*****

**four hours later**

*****

Joel was pissed.

It was eight o’clock, and Sarah still hadn’t returned from the mall.

Once she did, she was going to get the lecture of a lifetime.

He called Kate’s parents several times, and there was no response. He didn’t have  _ Tyler’s _ parents’ number, so, in regular Joel fashion, he was extremely worried.

Then he heard the door open, and the relief washed over him. And then that relief quickly turned into anger and frustration.

Joel heard her make a beeline to the stairs and he yelled, “Sarah! Get down here now!” He immediately regretted yelling, since he had the worst headache ever.

Sarah took her time getting down the stairs and once she got to where Joel was, in his office, and pretended that nothing happened. “Hi…” She quietly said, trying to play it off.

“Where the hell have you been?” Now he was really pissed.

“... the mall.” 

“You were at the mall for four hours straight?”

“...yeah.” Her strategy was to just play dumb, and she might be able to get away with it, but Joel wasn’t going to let that happen.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were gonna be gone for that long?” 

“I lost track of time!” She gave up on playing dumb.

“So you couldn’t call me or let me know you were alright!?” Just the thought of Sarah being in danger scared the shit out of him.

“I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal!”

     “Jesus Christ.” he muttered under his breath. Joel was done. Work had been killing him for the past week and this would be the thing that broke him. He needed a break more than anything. His head began to hurt like crazy and he needed to sit down. Sarah saw that he wasn’t feeling well.

    “Dad, are you okay?” 

“Honestly, no. Work has been extremely stressful, my head won’t stop poundin’, and you runnin’ off like that wasn’t helping.”

     “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” Sarah was guilty. She knew how hard her father worked and it hasn’t been easy raising her on his own.

     “It’s okay. I’m sorry I freaked out, it’s just-“ Joel sighed, “if anything happened to you I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself.” 

    Joel would remember that statement for years to come.

    “I know.” Sarah walked towards her father and hugged him. She loved her dad, and she didn’t want to worry him or cause him stress.

    Joel kissed the top of her head and hugged her tightly.

    “Love you, baby girl.” He whispered softly.

    “Love you too, dad.”

 

                              *

**a couple years later**

                              *

“Oh no…”

Joel's heart sank as he turned his head to see his daughter on the ground, crying out in pain.

“Sarah! Okay, move your hands, baby.” Her abdomen was covered in blood from the gunshot wound. 

She let out a whimper as Joel tried his best to keep her with him.

“I know, baby, I know.” He was slowly losing hope, the more she cried and bled.

It pained him more than anything he’s ever felt when he had to see her in this much pain, and he wanted nothing more than for her to stay with him.

     “Listen to me, I know this hurts baby. You’re gonna be okay, baby, stay with me.” Joel was speaking frantically, trying to keep her with him as she continued to whimper and cry out in pain.

    “Alright, I’m gonna pick you up.” Sarah yelped, “C’mon baby, please. I know baby, I know.”

    Then the crying stopped.

_ No. _

    “Sarah? Baby!?” She lay there, lifeless in his arms.

    “Don’t do this to me, baby. Don’t do this to me, baby girl. Come on.” 

_ There has to be something, please, anything. _

__ Joel broke into sobs.

    “No… no… no, no, no, please…” He hugged Sarah to his chest, wanting nothing more than for her to come back.

    “Oh god… please, please, please don’t do this…” Every word was punctuated with a gasp for air as he cried harder than he ever had. “Please, god.”

    She was gone.

    Sarah was dead.

    And in every way but physical, Joel was too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbh the reason this took so long to finish was because i had to do that last scene, and i had to rewatch it cause i wanted to get the right dialogue. every time i see it i cry and it sUCKS. but oh well, hope you liked it! leave a comment, i’d love to hear your feedback!


	3. Chapter 3

                              *

**twenty years later**

                              *

     “Admit that you wanted to get rid of me the whole time!”

Joel knew she was going to fight him on this, and it wouldn't be easy.

     “Tommy knows this area, better than-”

     “Agh, fuck that.” Ellie interrupted him, tired of him trying to hide the truth.

     “Well I'm sorry, I trust him better than I trust myself.” He was lying to both Ellie and himself, in order to suppress his own feelings. 

“Stop with the bullshit. What are you so afraid of?” They both knew the answer to that question. “That I'm going to end up like Sam? I can't get infected! I can take care of myself!” Joel knew that she was right, but he continued to be defensive.

“How many close calls have we had?” There were many, and each one nearly gave him a heart attack.

“Well we seem to be doing alright so far.” Neither of them were dead, so Ellie counted that as ‘doing alright’.

“And now you'll be doing even better with Tommy!” They were both being extremely stubborn, refusing to see the other’s point of view. 

_ Fuck it, _ she thought.

“I’m not her, y’know.” 

“What?” Joel was hoping she wasn't talking about what he thought she was.

“Maria told me about Sarah, and I-”

“Ellie-” he interrupted her this time, “you are treading on some  _ mighty _ thin ice here.”

“I'm sorry about your daughter, Joel, but I have lost people too.” 

“You have  _ no idea _ what loss is.”

_ Oh, really? _

__ __ “Everyone I have cared for, has either _ died _ , or left me.” Ellie could feel her eyes start to well up, “Everyone-” She was beyond done with his shit, and she pushed him mid-sentence, “fucking except for you!”

“So don't tell me I’d be safer with someone else,” she took a quick breath before she started crying, “because the truth is I'd just be more scared.” Ellie stared him down, completely dropping the curtain, trying everything she could to change his mind. She was done watching people she cared about leave her, whether they wanted to or not.

But Joel continued to tell himself that he needed to shut this down before he got hurt.

“You're right. You're not my daughter, and I sure as hell ain't your dad.” He might as well have ripped her heart out of her chest and stomped on it. “And we are going our separate ways.”

Tommy burst into the room.

“Get it together, we’re not alone.” 

Ellie barely heard anything else they were saying. She was too hurt to say or do anything. It was happening again. 

She “hid” behind the dresser in the room and depressingly looked at the ground with unshed tears in her eyes.

     Joel and Tommy dealt with the bandits that ran into the house. Joel opened the front door and made sure there weren’t any more outside.

“We’re clear.” He said, lowering his shotgun.

     Joel felt a pang of guilt as Ellie walked past him and got to her horse quickly, obviously not happy with him.

Tommy was standing behind his horse, and asked Ellie, “Do you need a hand up?”

“I got it.” She responded, and Joel could sense the pain in her voice. She sounded exhausted, almost. He tried to ignore the guilt, and continued to tell himself that this was for the best, for both of them. Yet deep down he knew that was bullshit.

But on the way back to Jackson, he couldn’t avoid it. For the first time in a while, he thought about how Ellie might be feeling. He thought back to their argument. When she said she would just be more scared if he ditched her.

     The truth was, Joel did care about Ellie, more than he’d like to admit, and he didn’t want to hurt her. The last thing he wants to do is hurt her. 

Leaving her with Tommy would be doing nothing but hurting her, and as soon as Joel realised that, he changed his mind.

He couldn’t let his own selfishness get in the way of Ellie’s happiness.

So he didn’t.

 

*****

**about an hour later**

*****

     Neither of them had said anything since they’d left Tommy’s. There was a bit of awkwardness between them. They were both content with the fact that Joel changed his mind, but Ellie still hadn’t forgot about what he said. 

     “You’re an asshole.” She blurted out, kind of teasing him, while not at the same time.

     “I know.” He said in his somewhat guilt-ridden tone. It was Joel’s weird way of apologizing that she somehow understood. She knew he didn’t mean what he’d said, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt to hear.

     But at least they were still together. That’s all that really mattered to Ellie, and same to Joel too. 


	4. Chapter 4

                              *

**a few months later**

                              *

     It was the middle of the night, and Joel woke up to a quiet whimper from the other side of the room. He turned over to see Ellie facing away from him, shaking and crying as softly as she could. He slowly made his way towards her.

“Ellie?”

She turned over quickly, startled by him. Joel saw the tears stream down her face and the bags under her eyes. She hadn’t slept at all.

“Oh, baby, come here.” Ellie practically jumped up to grasp him and he suddenly had her in his arms, giving her the comfort she desperately needed. She started to sob, feeling like she could finally let it all out.

“I gotcha, I gotcha, it’s okay.” Joel continued to whisper sweet nothings into her hair, trying everything he could to ease her pain. 

She had been awfully distant since he woke up from his injury, and he would do anything to take it all back. He beat himself up over not being there to shield her, and he felt a protective anger boil deep down. He wanted to hurt those people for traumatizing her, to give them the pain that she felt.

Joel held her until she couldn’t cry anymore. Once she stopped somewhat, he held her face in his hands and wiped the tears off of her cheeks with his thumbs.

He let go, and Ellie took a deep breath, trying her best to calm herself and said, “Sorry.”

“You ain’t got nothin’ to be sorry for, Ellie.”

Ellie bashfully looked at the ground, embarrassed that Joel had to see her like that. She felt like a hot mess. Her mind was constantly wandering and she could barely sleep anymore without having horrific nightmares. 

     “You wanna talk about it?” Joel asked in the soft tone his voice became when she was like this. 

She shook her head. Ellie was definitely not ready to talk about it. It had only been a week and she was still struggling to comprehend everything herself, let alone tell someone else the whole story. She suddenly didn’t feel as bad about letting her guard down. It felt good to have someone there for her, which is something she never really got to experience. Now that she had that kind of relationship with Joel, she couldn’t let that go. 

Joel saw that she was starting to space out, and he gently grabbed her hand, bringing her back to the present, and looked at her directly in the eyes.

     “If you ever need to, I’m here. Okay?” Ellie had never really felt loved before she met Joel. It felt great. It gave her some sense of purpose that she had been missing for the longest time.

     “Thank you.” She quietly responded, knowing she probably couldn’t speak any louder than then. 

     He gave her a nod. Joel was not the best with words, so he didn’t have any idea as of what to say to Ellie. He knew that Ellie could see right through him, but he wished he could say everything he wanted to. 

“You think you’ll be able to get some sleep?” Not what he had meant to say.

Ellie shrugged. She was so exhausted. It had been the hardest month of her life. From Joel getting hurt to the whole David bullshit, she wanted nothing more than to forget about it. But Ellie was glad she had Joel back, and if he was there, and they kept moving, she would be able to get through it. 

As long as he was by her side.

 

                              *

**a bit less than a year later**

                              *

     “She just left you guys?”

He sighed. “Yep.”

“Dick move.”

Joel scoffed at Ellie’s word choice. “Yeah.”

They sat next to each other on the raggedy old couch in their living room.

After about a minute of awkward silence, she spoke up.

“At least Sarah had you.” 

He looked over at Ellie and saw the somewhat melancholy look on her face.

“I guess, I wasn't ever the greatest dad, though.”

     “Bullshit. From what I’ve seen and heard, I bet you were a great dad.”

Joel smiled. 

“Better than nothing.” Ellie sighed, “Trust me.”

“Ellie-” He said her name in that voice he had when she said something depressing like that.

“Don't,” she interrupted, “don’t feel sorry for me.”

“Okay.” He did feel sorry for her though. She spent her first fourteen years in a shitty orphanage, all alone.

“I got you now, right?” She rested her head on Joel’s shoulder and looked at him with a purposefully cheesy grin on her face. Her cute moments of affection made Joel’s heart hurt in the best way possible.

     “Eh…” He sarcastically responded.

“Eh!?” She sat back up and was exaggeratedly offended.

“You're kinda annoying.”

“Well, you’re kind of an asshole!”

Joel laughed at her response while she gave him a punch on the shoulder.

It was good to see this side of her again. She was somewhat distant when they first arrived in Jackson, but that was almost six months ago. She was starting to shape back into herself. The Ellie that he loved the most. The Ellie that would make bad puns and geek out over comic books. The one that was  _ happy _ . She deserved to be happy. He wanted nothing more than for her to be happy, and he’d do everything he could to make that happen.

They spent the rest of the night talking and joking and Joel even played some guitar for her. 

He was playing a nice, peaceful song, and Ellie was all relaxed and spread out next to him. Her feet were on his lap with the guitar since their couch was pretty small.

At one point Joel looked over, and saw that she had fallen asleep.  

He smiled.

He set the guitar down and leaned it against the wall next to him, then picked Ellie’s feet up off of his lap and carefully placed them onto the couch. 

Joel picked her up. He’d known her for a while, but she hadn’t grown much. She was still tiny enough for him to carry her with relative ease. It reminded him that Ellie was still a child, even though he also knew how mature she was for her age.

Joel brought Ellie up the stairs and into her room, like he did many times for Sarah before. He gently laid her on the bed and placed her blankets over her. She curled up into them and their warmth. 

“G’night, kiddo.” Joel said, in that gentle, quiet voice that gave her stomach butterflies.

Joel walked out of her room and shut the door quietly.

Ellie couldn’t stop the big, stupid grin from appearing on her face.

_ What a sap. _

__ _ Admit it, Ellie, you love it. _

__ _ Eh, I guess I do. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, that’s it! thanks so much for reading through this pile of hot garbage. i’m still trying to get the hang of writing, so if you have any tips or feedback, it would be greatly appreciated.  
>  thank you!!!


End file.
